Gotye Hearts a Mess

Hearts A Mess

Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine

You have lost
Too much love
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It’s not enough)
You just threw away the key
To your heart

You don’t get burned
(’Cause nothing gets through)
It makes it easier
(Easier on you)
But that much more difficult for me
To make you see…

Love ain’t fair
So there you are
My love

Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this

Love ain’t safe
You won’t get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don’t wanna waste my love

unproductivity levels are up

I am going crazy - someone tell me what to do! Someone help me be productive, be what I can be, be me without you. Be a whole person all the time, not just part of the time. Be alone yet happy. Be unhappy yet ok without you. Teach me how to be without it, be without the need of someone there, someone to hold me at night and kiss my forehead before I fall asleep. Why do I have this need to fill my life with need? With another person, with passion. Passion for them and not myself, who is taking care of me? I am trying to, trying to guard my heart from further destruction, it is too early! I need space, I need time to breath, yet I long for his voice, or maybe it's just anyone's voice, anyone's arms, anyone's kisses. I want to feel free, but again and again I seem to be pulled in by this need to be loved and adored. However, this time I think I have come to the wrong place. I have hit uncertainty, the vast big empty space of darkness. Somebody tell me how to find my own feelings in this untidy mess that is my mind.

when it rains I get sentimental

So I am sitting here it's almost mid-day and I have done none of the things I wanted to: not gone into the office yet (hey it's raining), not started transcribing my Swedish interviews, not packed my bag with gym clothes, not printed out the form for the Norwegian Funding body telling them I have actually been a student here for yet another academic year, not applied (although in vain) for funding for next year, not moved my ass out of the sofa...the list goes on and on really. So I sit here and write about it instead, wow that's procrastination for ya!

I have, however, seen the little kitten that my new crush has given a good home after finding it abandoned. At the moment he is far away, Athens Greece to be exact, 'having a holiday from the holiday' as he put it. The parents must be delighted that he's brought home yet another lost animal, apparently they have a garden full (15 cats and 3 dogs), which must be a handful especially when the zoo-keeper has taken up residence elsewhere. Lucky for me though! So through the wonders of Internet I saw both him and the kitten today, they were both cute, and it was good to see him, although, the quality of a webcam makes people look kinda sick (don't know if it's the grey-tones or what). I haven't seen him in a week, so it was about time. Even though, the kitten was the excuse. Now only about a week and a half to go...waiting, working ... oh yes working!

I have a deadline for the 1st of July, and as it is now I have to work my ass off to make that happen, but I will make it happen...My sis is coming on the 3rd so can't be busy catching up with work when she arrives. Oh it will be good to see her again! Hopefully the sun will make an appearance too, that would be good at least.. Any suggestions to what we shall do for her stay, with our base in St Andrews, Scotland of course? Maybe the ex-husband will be able to be the driver too and we can go places....mwuhaaa We'll see what happens, all I know is that it will be great to see her and spend some sisterly time together - without 'the parents'. However, the oldies will arrive about 4 days after she's left, basically July is family month for me. I am not complaining, as I haven't seen them as much as I used to before I left, obviously being in a different country kinda doesn't help doooo! I love them, but I am sure by the end of July I will be screaming for a little me, myself and I time.

I think I was not meant to do a PhD, I have no self-discipline and I am essentially, if left on my own for too long, a very lazy person. Maybe it is as everyone tells me, the wall, the PhD-block, the one everyone hits. The wall on which you start wondering if you should write 'art is nothing, art is everything' - or just give up this project and let everyone down. That's not a real possibility! I love my topic, but at the moment I have lost all inspiration. I have a quite self-destructive nature, as well, so I sit and wonder at great length whether or not I am intelligent enough to understand my topic fully, if I am smart enough to be able to make it any good - to be revolutionary! To be what I so wish I could be, I doubt myself over and over. Spend my time on that rather than just getting on with it...ok here goes!

Leave the heart on the shore I'll pick it up later

What defines a relationship? Is it the ties between two people, the shared emotions, the convenience, the lust of the other, the friendship, the spiralling nausea, the butterflies that grow and build up to become a storm, the need for another? It's hard to say really, I think most of the time relationships are defined by others, by the fact that people keep asking you about the other person. Where is .... How is .... When will .... you fuck off and leave me alone in my own pool of smelly newly found puppylove - let me find out myself who and what, let me decide if I want to live in the cloud of baby pink until I realise it won't work, don't push me into the abyss on my own by your stupid questions. Let me find out how I feel before you decide for me, before you give me the role of partner, of other half. What happens if I don't want to leave the pre-relationship stage, what if I want to stay here forever, never develop real love, never develop dependency, never feel vulnerable. Let me swim in the pool of uncertainty because the rejection or commitment is too great for me, the weak nature of my behaviour will never forgive me if I give in to you - to your pressures to confirm. To become once again a part of something, again put my heart out to be stamped on by a big fluorescent sign stating 'out of order'. Let my twisted evils be tamed within my chest and not unleashed on some poor soul, who you, yes YOU, deemed to his death by being 'in a relationship', tortured by a broken mind.
Just killed a sailor with my cigarette.

a seed becomes a growing tree

The ways of the heart are mysterious walks in the park of insecurity and uncertainty, black woods with red sunbeams breaking through and turning everything purple around you. The shades of the leaves are double sided, one beautiful green; the other icy blue. The flowers grow at the foot of the trees, through the decaying leaves they stretch towards the orange light. Their petals are an array of purple, blue and pink with a yellow centre - like the sunlight breaking through the trees. In Spring the forest comes alive with flowers and little green leaves, the sun warms the little lake, soon it will be time for swimming, throw a rock in and the salamanders scatter in all directions. Summer brings heat from the white sun, naked bodies jump in and laughter echoes through the trees. Young lovers meet at midnight under the largest pine by the edge of the loch. Clothes are quickly removed with a giggle and unrestful eyes, he runs into the water and she follows warily step by step into the cold water. The clear water encapsulates their naked bodies..The way of the heart is like clear ice cold water, cold when enjoyed alone, exciting and thrilling when in company...

Sister I love you, don't ever think I don't or that it will ever change. You are the meaning to all the madness, you are the one that keeps me afloat, motivate me to go on, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Whatever happens you will always be important to me, the love between us will never go weak. I will take care of you if you need me to, the same way I expect you to take care of me if I need it. I wish everyday that we were closer to eachother in distance, not across water and boundaries as we are today, so that I could stop by to have coffee or make you dinner or just provoke one little smile or a flood of tears. We haven't always been close, but these last couple of years we have grown together, although you feel otherwise, we have grown stronger together, I am your rock that you can always lean on and when sadness fills my life of late you have been there to support me, to tell me I am not in the wrong, that I am not weak, that I am worth more. At times we annoy eachother that's natural, but mixed in with that annoyance is always the love I feel for you, always the hand out stretched for you to grab whenever you want. I will NOT leave you that is impossible. Even when we are so far away I carry you with me, I feel your pain too well sometimes. I may not always show it - I try to be strong, emotions don't always come easy, is not frequently let loose from it's cage to rage on my face. However, I feel your pain, I wish I could share it with you, wish I could change it, make you happy, choose the right way for you. Unfortunately I can't, even if I try hard I can't. In any case don't ever think I will stop loving you or that I will leave you alone because of convenience.

the time spent

I'm drinking coffee thinking about how much I miss my man and how its hard to be away from him this long, again. It was completely different in the beginning of our relationship, when we were away from each other most of the time (how ever did we survive it?). Living in two different countries was a fact from the outset, we knew that, but it meant that we could get to know each other from talking on the phone or online, slowly. Taking our time, finding out if we could make it through that first honeymoon period, even make it last for months, and be together for the long run - that which is life. A year went past and we did make it - I think probably my man had a harder time adjusting than I. Often I block off my emotions, I keep them inside, I try to be tough - he would call it selfish, but it helped me get through long periods of separation. Now is an altogether different thing - I need to see him talk to him hold him kiss him sleep next to him. Its unnatural to be without him.