when it rains I get sentimental

So I am sitting here it's almost mid-day and I have done none of the things I wanted to: not gone into the office yet (hey it's raining), not started transcribing my Swedish interviews, not packed my bag with gym clothes, not printed out the form for the Norwegian Funding body telling them I have actually been a student here for yet another academic year, not applied (although in vain) for funding for next year, not moved my ass out of the sofa...the list goes on and on really. So I sit here and write about it instead, wow that's procrastination for ya!

I have, however, seen the little kitten that my new crush has given a good home after finding it abandoned. At the moment he is far away, Athens Greece to be exact, 'having a holiday from the holiday' as he put it. The parents must be delighted that he's brought home yet another lost animal, apparently they have a garden full (15 cats and 3 dogs), which must be a handful especially when the zoo-keeper has taken up residence elsewhere. Lucky for me though! So through the wonders of Internet I saw both him and the kitten today, they were both cute, and it was good to see him, although, the quality of a webcam makes people look kinda sick (don't know if it's the grey-tones or what). I haven't seen him in a week, so it was about time. Even though, the kitten was the excuse. Now only about a week and a half to go...waiting, working ... oh yes working!

I have a deadline for the 1st of July, and as it is now I have to work my ass off to make that happen, but I will make it happen...My sis is coming on the 3rd so can't be busy catching up with work when she arrives. Oh it will be good to see her again! Hopefully the sun will make an appearance too, that would be good at least.. Any suggestions to what we shall do for her stay, with our base in St Andrews, Scotland of course? Maybe the ex-husband will be able to be the driver too and we can go places....mwuhaaa We'll see what happens, all I know is that it will be great to see her and spend some sisterly time together - without 'the parents'. However, the oldies will arrive about 4 days after she's left, basically July is family month for me. I am not complaining, as I haven't seen them as much as I used to before I left, obviously being in a different country kinda doesn't help doooo! I love them, but I am sure by the end of July I will be screaming for a little me, myself and I time.

I think I was not meant to do a PhD, I have no self-discipline and I am essentially, if left on my own for too long, a very lazy person. Maybe it is as everyone tells me, the wall, the PhD-block, the one everyone hits. The wall on which you start wondering if you should write 'art is nothing, art is everything' - or just give up this project and let everyone down. That's not a real possibility! I love my topic, but at the moment I have lost all inspiration. I have a quite self-destructive nature, as well, so I sit and wonder at great length whether or not I am intelligent enough to understand my topic fully, if I am smart enough to be able to make it any good - to be revolutionary! To be what I so wish I could be, I doubt myself over and over. Spend my time on that rather than just getting on with it...ok here goes!

We all have our hobbies

I used to have a hobby. I used to sing, ones or twice a week when I was a kid. Well, I was a teenager when I stopped. Over night I decided to give it up, I didn't get into the musical line at College so I decided not to sing again. Sad really, my stubborn side getting to me I guess.. If they won't have me no one will! What a stupid little brat I was! Some might say I still am, but that's a whole different post all together. Anyway at the moment I can't really say I have a hobby, unless you could say listening to music, going out dancing with friends, having occasional sex, drinking coffee with loads of Greeks, sometimes doodling a sketch or two, surfing the web or just being pathetic a hobby? Naaaah.

However, the other day I found out that my sister has found a hobby - growing flowering plants on a large scale, and when I say large scale I mean large scale. About 50 little buds have taken over her windowsills and balcony. Impressive, no? Seriously, if I had her green fingers I would be growing stuff too (maybe not the legal kind, but thank God I don't). plants are good company though, they never judge you, they always (for most of us, who water our plants once in a while) flower, they add to the atmosphere of any old shabby place and they give joy through their very existence. You go girl!

Sister I love you, don't ever think I don't or that it will ever change. You are the meaning to all the madness, you are the one that keeps me afloat, motivate me to go on, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Whatever happens you will always be important to me, the love between us will never go weak. I will take care of you if you need me to, the same way I expect you to take care of me if I need it. I wish everyday that we were closer to eachother in distance, not across water and boundaries as we are today, so that I could stop by to have coffee or make you dinner or just provoke one little smile or a flood of tears. We haven't always been close, but these last couple of years we have grown together, although you feel otherwise, we have grown stronger together, I am your rock that you can always lean on and when sadness fills my life of late you have been there to support me, to tell me I am not in the wrong, that I am not weak, that I am worth more. At times we annoy eachother that's natural, but mixed in with that annoyance is always the love I feel for you, always the hand out stretched for you to grab whenever you want. I will NOT leave you that is impossible. Even when we are so far away I carry you with me, I feel your pain too well sometimes. I may not always show it - I try to be strong, emotions don't always come easy, is not frequently let loose from it's cage to rage on my face. However, I feel your pain, I wish I could share it with you, wish I could change it, make you happy, choose the right way for you. Unfortunately I can't, even if I try hard I can't. In any case don't ever think I will stop loving you or that I will leave you alone because of convenience.

Death isn't always a bad thing

This post is inspired by itelli's post, I just want to share my experience on the subject of donating your body to Science/Medicine.

Over a year ago now my grandmother fell sick, and for months she suffered, from what we later found out was a bowel obstruction, after which she had lost so much weight she was finally taken into hospital. However, at this point she was so weak, and the hospital didn't help by trying to feed her rather than give her intravenous nourishment, that when three weeks after she was hospitalised they operated on her to find out what was wrong she went into a coma, from which she never woke up from. After the initial shock of loosing someone close, someone that a few months beforehand had seemed healthy enough to live until she was a hundred, the business of what to do has to kick in.

My grandmother was NOT religious (I know it's hard to believe when talking about that generation, but it's true), she was a hardened Communist and refused many a time to attend family church gatherings, such as confirmations and weddings. Therefore she didn't want any sort of gathering, funeral or the sort, she wanted her body to be given to Science and she wanted to be buried in an anonymous grave, i.e. no one should know where she was buried.

So we (her family) followed her wishes, which proved a little tricky as she had not written down that she wanted her body to be donated, but after a lot of phone calls and signing of documents she was off to Aarhus University Hospital. This only happened after she had been placed 'peacefully' by the nurses, with the bible next to her, to the horror of my dad. I guess they did it to be nice, but shouldn't you ask first? I mean in our multi-cultural society? I guess it was a minor annoyance compared to the grief we were experiencing.

Although she had said she didn't want us to know where she was laid down, my sister and I convinced our father and uncle to let us know where and when, and about two months ago she was buried, over a year after her death. It seems a long time doesn't it? Especially cause they were in such a hurry when they took the body, but I guess they have techniques to preserve the body/body parts. So now we know where she is, I mean her ashes, but her soul is gone - my grandmother is gone forever. I hope her body helped just a little, I wish she helped cure a disease or at least made someone a doctor... I think so, I decide to KNOW so!

Well, this is my story of donating death to help the living. If I die or get brain damaged or is unable to function I want my descendants to donate my body, my organs, everything, because what is the point of having your body when your soul is not there?