unproductivity levels are up

I am going crazy - someone tell me what to do! Someone help me be productive, be what I can be, be me without you. Be a whole person all the time, not just part of the time. Be alone yet happy. Be unhappy yet ok without you. Teach me how to be without it, be without the need of someone there, someone to hold me at night and kiss my forehead before I fall asleep. Why do I have this need to fill my life with need? With another person, with passion. Passion for them and not myself, who is taking care of me? I am trying to, trying to guard my heart from further destruction, it is too early! I need space, I need time to breath, yet I long for his voice, or maybe it's just anyone's voice, anyone's arms, anyone's kisses. I want to feel free, but again and again I seem to be pulled in by this need to be loved and adored. However, this time I think I have come to the wrong place. I have hit uncertainty, the vast big empty space of darkness. Somebody tell me how to find my own feelings in this untidy mess that is my mind.

when it rains I get sentimental

So I am sitting here it's almost mid-day and I have done none of the things I wanted to: not gone into the office yet (hey it's raining), not started transcribing my Swedish interviews, not packed my bag with gym clothes, not printed out the form for the Norwegian Funding body telling them I have actually been a student here for yet another academic year, not applied (although in vain) for funding for next year, not moved my ass out of the sofa...the list goes on and on really. So I sit here and write about it instead, wow that's procrastination for ya!

I have, however, seen the little kitten that my new crush has given a good home after finding it abandoned. At the moment he is far away, Athens Greece to be exact, 'having a holiday from the holiday' as he put it. The parents must be delighted that he's brought home yet another lost animal, apparently they have a garden full (15 cats and 3 dogs), which must be a handful especially when the zoo-keeper has taken up residence elsewhere. Lucky for me though! So through the wonders of Internet I saw both him and the kitten today, they were both cute, and it was good to see him, although, the quality of a webcam makes people look kinda sick (don't know if it's the grey-tones or what). I haven't seen him in a week, so it was about time. Even though, the kitten was the excuse. Now only about a week and a half to go...waiting, working ... oh yes working!

I have a deadline for the 1st of July, and as it is now I have to work my ass off to make that happen, but I will make it happen...My sis is coming on the 3rd so can't be busy catching up with work when she arrives. Oh it will be good to see her again! Hopefully the sun will make an appearance too, that would be good at least.. Any suggestions to what we shall do for her stay, with our base in St Andrews, Scotland of course? Maybe the ex-husband will be able to be the driver too and we can go places....mwuhaaa We'll see what happens, all I know is that it will be great to see her and spend some sisterly time together - without 'the parents'. However, the oldies will arrive about 4 days after she's left, basically July is family month for me. I am not complaining, as I haven't seen them as much as I used to before I left, obviously being in a different country kinda doesn't help doooo! I love them, but I am sure by the end of July I will be screaming for a little me, myself and I time.

I think I was not meant to do a PhD, I have no self-discipline and I am essentially, if left on my own for too long, a very lazy person. Maybe it is as everyone tells me, the wall, the PhD-block, the one everyone hits. The wall on which you start wondering if you should write 'art is nothing, art is everything' - or just give up this project and let everyone down. That's not a real possibility! I love my topic, but at the moment I have lost all inspiration. I have a quite self-destructive nature, as well, so I sit and wonder at great length whether or not I am intelligent enough to understand my topic fully, if I am smart enough to be able to make it any good - to be revolutionary! To be what I so wish I could be, I doubt myself over and over. Spend my time on that rather than just getting on with it...ok here goes!