Hurting people

What a shame that life can be so unfair and difficult sometimes. Other times it is deliciously enjoyable and delightful. We all make it what it is. It is up to us to make it better or worse. We are responsible for our actions, and responsible for others' happiness as well as grief. I have to take responsibility for my actions, just as you have to. No one is exempt from this, whatever one does in the world at one point or another our neighbour's well-being is left up to our strength of character. It is a difficult balance to keep sometimes, on a knife blade we balance the actions and words we spread. Not for one second can we let this slip, unfortunately it is when we are most relaxed that we forget to keep our tongue in check or our movements to a minimum. To make a person happy is as difficult as making a plant or flower grow, it needs time and a lot of nourishment. I hope and believe that I am a person who cares about others. I try hard to be open and good to all of my friends, no matter how long or how brief a meeting between two people - I try my best to make the world a better place for all around me. Sometimes I sacrifice myself for that, to please everyone, to make everyone happy other than myself. Therefore the pain I feel at times is kept for me only, my private misery, my private tears. I wear my heart on my sleeve, yet I try to make others not. I live my life without fear of bad things to come, but I am afraid to give in when someone is kind to me. I cannot believe fully that anyone in the world can love me truly, without alternative motives. I cannot let the guard down to let them into my heart, to be hurt later on - it is better to be cold than to be heartbroken. Yet I wear my heart on my sleeve for all of my friends, and when I hurt them by not thinking, by being weak and relaxed, it hurts me too much for words to state. Sometimes it is hard to tell the truth, but if you truly love someone it has to be done - and it cannot be easy or else there is nothing between the cold and you. There is nothing but an empty shell. Therefore I chose life with risk, with risk of hurting people, still risk of being happy and making other people happy.

Spiderwoman

I've managed to do it again. Tangle myself in a drama, much like that of a soap opera. Managed to hurt people, managed to start falling, when all I am supposed to be doing is finishing the beast. There is too much drama going on around me for me to focus on anything at all, and it is very very disturbing as well as my own fault. Never sleep with friends never start something that might end in someone getting hurt. Or taking up too much of one's precious time. I need time to take a breath, need time to recover from this evilness of mine, need time to just be. I thought I was a good friend, but this week I have been proven to be one of the worst in the history of bad friends. I hurt someone close to me, someone who has helped me a lot and which means heaps to me. Being me can sometimes be disastrous especially when hormones are in swing, I said some things in public that offended one of my good friends. I knew at the time it sounded bad, but I thought she could take it - alas no! She took it harder than I would have expected and put my week off to a really bad start (maybe there's something w the alignment of the stars and planets at the moment, cause I really need an excuse). Then I get involved with another man in my life, start something which I do not know yet is going to be good (or bad). Getting involved like I've been telling myself I shouldn't, still I seem to fall into his trap. But what a delightful trap, although I have no spare time for such things right now. And I can feel myself doubting his sincerity although I have absolutely no reason to. Although I have no single thing to prove that I am wrong or right about anything, looking for faults where there might not be any. I am no closer to the change in myself that I hoped the ex would have provided, no closer to being different than I was five years ago. Not being able to believe that someone can actually be good for me, can actually be nice and like me. Then I manage to trick myself into believing that my choices are not going to hurt the other man in my life, my newly found friend. The one I've been sleeping with - I avoid to see if it is possible to avoid the issue that will surely arise from my choices, from the falling ... apart. Hoping I will not have to deal I entangle myself in my own self-made web of drama. Yet I go full steam ahead - I go head first without thinking of consequence, without considering others around me, without considering my friend. Then the hour comes when one has to state facts, one has to make true those words one is dreading to say. Yet it has to be done, and who knows if anyone but me will get hurt in the end. Maybe I will be the one that looses out, even so I can truthfully say that I have, at least for now ,done what others have told me to do - be honest and even if it hurts them hopefully gain some respect. Hopefully come out on the other side a better person and friend.

Roma Woman

Cold
Cold inside
Cold inside and
Cold inside and outside
Cold inside and outside of
Cold inside and outside of me

Dark North Sea Looking Glass

Across the room eyes meet, just a moment lasting less than a few seconds. Both pair of eyes tell a story too intense to describe. The instant feeling of home, a smell of green is hanging in the air. One pair as dark as the North Sea the other blueish green. A second inside the other, a second more it is forgotten.

Another catches one's attention, eyes meet again, but the electricity is not present. Numbness and indifference is followed by interest in conversation. The ignition is not immediate, the spark lacking. The dark eyes walk by again, the warmth and red-glowing light shines through the air only evident to the two eyes meeting. Still no words other than introductions, and a friends' whisper that another pair of eyes are single and this is not the one they meant to introduce - where is he? Deep feeling of wanting to discard of everything just to meet, to hold, to get to know the dark eyes, fall into the ocean of that specific soul. An instant attraction, an instant knowing. Yet one does nothing, one is dragged away, one turn a shoulder to meet other eyes that say nothing. Even though one knows that those eyes are the only ones one wants to see.

Distant conversations, chit chat about nothing and everything. One continues without any loss, any regret, any longing or any dismay. Friendly eyes meet and one turns the corner to find the darkness there, smiling and open for the first time to proper conversation. Finally words replace the looking, relaxed and frank words with genuine interest take over for the eyes' attention to detail. Openness and laid back attitude fit the deepness of those dark ocean depths. In a few minutes both are as relaxed as old friends, and without thinking one pair invites the other back to the apartment. Then a few seconds pass as the dark eyes look a bit puzzled and the blueish green regains proper etiquette - friends will come too of course - the eyes have just met.

Suddenly one realises that it is an impossible situation for this to be a beginning, days later the dark eyes will be left behind and the green eyes will yet again look upon that other life. A need for control sets in, a need for distance and proper behaviour. One's focus shifts, yet the open soul cannot forget the darkness and depth of that electric pulse. The lightning is there, but one thinks it will go away.

On its own again the blueish green longs to know if the eyes felt the same, knew the same instant electricity just from the eyes' meeting. But one will probably never find out, one cannot wait for the unknown. Not this time, one will not have those eyes this time. Destiny is a bitch sometimes, but it is best this way. Longing across oceans is not good for anyone, not even when it is the North Sea.