I've decided to give up on a social life until the beast has been fully slayed. It might not happen, but I have at least made the effort to make a rule about it. People are overrated anyway, right? I just get too easily distracted when people are involved, driven away from the path. This usually due to my lack of self-discipline and work-ethics. Last night was a great return to reality festive occasion that really put my obsession into perspective, my addiction to distractions, in particular the male variety. My problem is that I am addicted to drama, to tension and to the self-harm that I usually find myself in the middle off. It's a curse, a self-imposed curse. I have a love-hate relationship with my own sanity, I get myself into a corner because most of the time I have no idea what I am doing. The choices are there before me and I seem to 99 out of 100 times choose the worst option, the option where I end up being emotionally drained.
Have a look at my last three relationships. None of which were the run of the mill relationship. My ex-partner and cohabitant, the guy who left me with the nightmare flat and moved back to his home country without as much as a penny to help me out. Me the student and non-earning part of our living arrangements. I put myself in a classic gendered position for what I thought was love. It wasn't and I had known that for a long time before it finally fell apart. I was very unhappy living with him, and it was a constant struggle to keep up appearances. I was relieved when it was over. The arguments would at least stop, and I could regain myself, my 'true' self.
The next relationship I jumped into, and I literally did throw my heart at this guy's feet. After having been with a guy who argued against every point you made, and told you to shut up if he felt you didn't agree with him. I fell hard for the dark, exciting and well-read young man, who actually listened to me and looked at me with admiring eyes. But of course officially our passionate affair, was just that. And even though I tried to not fall, I fell over heels in love with him. Of course I never told him so, I never admitted anything. Not until it was over and he, too, had left the country. I suffered in silence while we were together. He never hurt me or made me feel unwanted, or even unloved, but the pretending and being denied my rightful role as his girlfriend was very hard to handle. I know a part of him loved me, but there was also another woman in his heart, one who was waiting for him back home. I agreed to this so-called affair, and thereby hurt myself deeply. After him there were some men in my life, but they were never as special as him, never him, never serious.
Then I met my most recent ex, the guy with sever homophobia and extremely sexist viewpoints. I settled with him affections because he insisted. Because he was very persistent. I had no energy to be alone, I wanted someone to care for me and make me feel less lonely. He did, for a while. Then all the extremities of his character started to shine through, yet I had not the heart to break his heart. And it took an interest in another to change my view of the whole deal, the settling for someone cause there is nothing else around to preoccupy your time. Awful, even shameful really. Yet I did it. And now the drama of the aftermath, the not dealing with being on one's own. I want a break. I will have a break from my social life, from my addiction to drama.
Have a look at my last three relationships. None of which were the run of the mill relationship. My ex-partner and cohabitant, the guy who left me with the nightmare flat and moved back to his home country without as much as a penny to help me out. Me the student and non-earning part of our living arrangements. I put myself in a classic gendered position for what I thought was love. It wasn't and I had known that for a long time before it finally fell apart. I was very unhappy living with him, and it was a constant struggle to keep up appearances. I was relieved when it was over. The arguments would at least stop, and I could regain myself, my 'true' self.
The next relationship I jumped into, and I literally did throw my heart at this guy's feet. After having been with a guy who argued against every point you made, and told you to shut up if he felt you didn't agree with him. I fell hard for the dark, exciting and well-read young man, who actually listened to me and looked at me with admiring eyes. But of course officially our passionate affair, was just that. And even though I tried to not fall, I fell over heels in love with him. Of course I never told him so, I never admitted anything. Not until it was over and he, too, had left the country. I suffered in silence while we were together. He never hurt me or made me feel unwanted, or even unloved, but the pretending and being denied my rightful role as his girlfriend was very hard to handle. I know a part of him loved me, but there was also another woman in his heart, one who was waiting for him back home. I agreed to this so-called affair, and thereby hurt myself deeply. After him there were some men in my life, but they were never as special as him, never him, never serious.
Then I met my most recent ex, the guy with sever homophobia and extremely sexist viewpoints. I settled with him affections because he insisted. Because he was very persistent. I had no energy to be alone, I wanted someone to care for me and make me feel less lonely. He did, for a while. Then all the extremities of his character started to shine through, yet I had not the heart to break his heart. And it took an interest in another to change my view of the whole deal, the settling for someone cause there is nothing else around to preoccupy your time. Awful, even shameful really. Yet I did it. And now the drama of the aftermath, the not dealing with being on one's own. I want a break. I will have a break from my social life, from my addiction to drama.
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