08/07/2009

The Reply

I wish I could write that I felt the same way. And I'm not just saying that, I mean it. I really think you are a fantastic guy, any girl/woman would be lucky to be with you. I just can't. Partly because I don't feel the same as you, partly because I don't want to be involved with anyone right now and lastly I think I might still be waiting for my heart to return from someone else. He said it would be back by now, but I guess the postman is delayed.
The fact that your confessions of love and admiration has been unanswered and still you persist, just proves to me the ultimate loving evilness of this universe - one always wants what one cannot have, and we never give up until the truth of reality hits us like a punch in the face, and then we mourn. And then we start analysing and thinking what if? Well here there will be nothing, between us, both you and I would go mad. I still wish I could give you the reply that you so passionately want from me. You are so sweet and caring, it is just what I need, but not what I want or what I miss. I want passion, anger, lust, action, emotional upheaval! And that's why I am not going to get involved right now, that's why I cannot let anyone in. Because if I fall I fall hard, and my heart is still missing in action. It gets easily lost. You are too nice for me, too kind, too perfectly calm - nothing upsets you, you are a wall. Always restrained always in a good mood. I cannot be like that, I cannot even try. I'm sorry, so sorry.
I'm a coward too, that's why I am writing here instead of to you.

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