silence

I made a choice yesterday, one that is braver than I have ever known, I choose to ask for some space from it all. I need time to think things over, to understand in my heart what it is I am feeling. I am yet to uncover the depth of the illness I have contracted, my swollen black heart will show me if I can recover. Sometimes life is too unfair to live, yet we always go on. I have to focus on my work now, delve into the academics of it all to escape this pain that seems to have become my life. Today was the first morning I did not feel like crying immediately after waking, maybe it was the headache from the half bottle of wine I gulped down after talking to him, the poison I need to fall asleep. However, last night I couldn't sleep, could not get it out of my head the question of whether or not I have done the right thing. I thought I had, a dear female friend said I was and so too did my sister imply it would be better this way. However, when I told the ex-husband he saw it quite differently. 'You are a cruel woman! He obviously misses you and wants you, and you push him away!' On the one hand he is right it is cruel to cut all communication, but it is my only hope of getting over this. I told him my dilemmas and the absoluteness of the situation, and asked him what else I could do but be selfish for ones and try to salvage my heart before I get dragged into a drama of never ending jealousy and second bests. More than anything in the world I wish things were different, that he or I could have made some choices, but we never did. That is why I need my solitude, although, I have lost a lover I hope this will help me to gain a friend. Oh, destiny be kind to me, let me see glimpse of another day soon!