Spiderwoman

I've managed to do it again. Tangle myself in a drama, much like that of a soap opera. Managed to hurt people, managed to start falling, when all I am supposed to be doing is finishing the beast. There is too much drama going on around me for me to focus on anything at all, and it is very very disturbing as well as my own fault. Never sleep with friends never start something that might end in someone getting hurt. Or taking up too much of one's precious time. I need time to take a breath, need time to recover from this evilness of mine, need time to just be. I thought I was a good friend, but this week I have been proven to be one of the worst in the history of bad friends. I hurt someone close to me, someone who has helped me a lot and which means heaps to me. Being me can sometimes be disastrous especially when hormones are in swing, I said some things in public that offended one of my good friends. I knew at the time it sounded bad, but I thought she could take it - alas no! She took it harder than I would have expected and put my week off to a really bad start (maybe there's something w the alignment of the stars and planets at the moment, cause I really need an excuse). Then I get involved with another man in my life, start something which I do not know yet is going to be good (or bad). Getting involved like I've been telling myself I shouldn't, still I seem to fall into his trap. But what a delightful trap, although I have no spare time for such things right now. And I can feel myself doubting his sincerity although I have absolutely no reason to. Although I have no single thing to prove that I am wrong or right about anything, looking for faults where there might not be any. I am no closer to the change in myself that I hoped the ex would have provided, no closer to being different than I was five years ago. Not being able to believe that someone can actually be good for me, can actually be nice and like me. Then I manage to trick myself into believing that my choices are not going to hurt the other man in my life, my newly found friend. The one I've been sleeping with - I avoid to see if it is possible to avoid the issue that will surely arise from my choices, from the falling ... apart. Hoping I will not have to deal I entangle myself in my own self-made web of drama. Yet I go full steam ahead - I go head first without thinking of consequence, without considering others around me, without considering my friend. Then the hour comes when one has to state facts, one has to make true those words one is dreading to say. Yet it has to be done, and who knows if anyone but me will get hurt in the end. Maybe I will be the one that looses out, even so I can truthfully say that I have, at least for now ,done what others have told me to do - be honest and even if it hurts them hopefully gain some respect. Hopefully come out on the other side a better person and friend.