waiting for the sun

Feeling a bit down today, had a weird dream about a boy. One who was in my life a while, but exited as quickly and unnoticed as he had entered. One that was very much intimidated by my womanness, by my strength and straightforwardness. Afraid of my power over him and my knowledge of the world. A younger boy, much younger than me. It was a strange dream, some kind of omen perhaps. When I find out what it means I will let you know, but for now it will remain my property. My private story. It was too sweet to share, too difficult to explain. There was only a bellow of emotions that followed it, as I woke up I was cast back into reality and this is not one that I am very fond of these days.

I am off the pill, kinda forgot them (intentionally or not) back in the village. It is good, I shouldn't have been on them again anyway, it was a mistake. I am a different person on, they change my mood to nothingness...I feel nothing, I am numb, I am neither happy nor sad, just numb. But now I'm off, now I am clean. Although with that comes all the emotions, all the dreams and all my desperation, but thankfully also a clear head and mind. And dreams. So the hormones are running free in my body, taking over my emotional state. Today is a blue day, a day where everything is seen through a blue lens. One where I miss all the things I do not have and disregard all the ones I do. It might change, later I might be happy, joyous even. If the sun comes out the day will be saved. So I am waiting for the sun.