The new year has started, and the year that past seems so far away, like thousands of months and years ago. It was a very eventful year for me, so many things happened from the outset. Around this time last year my life changed so completely, it was turned upside down and inside out in such a way that I had never experienced it before. The last night of 2007 was a warning, a yellow light, a beacon, a little note that something terrible would happen in 2008. However, I closed my eyes and continued dreaming of better days, of a future. Yet the second week of 2008 would change all of that, my dreams, my hopes, my future, and never again contain the 'love of my life'. So for my own psyche's sake here is a post about the past year, its highs and lows, a breakdown from my head to the page of 2008 as I have experienced it.
As mentioned January 08 was not the best month of the year to me. A rotten start to be honest. My partner and love left me, moved out of our flat and left the country - all in the space of one week, the week before my birthday. So there I was, on my own, with a flat that I couldn't afford to keep and only a student loan to keep me from starving to death. After escaping irrationally to see my best friend in Amsterdam an email arrived across the North Sea calling me back to the village in Scotland for work - perfect timing I guess. So I put my flat on the market in a rush and packed up all my stuff and off I went. Back to the village, back to the academic environment and back to my thesis. By the end of February I had settled in and made the decision NOT to speak to the boy until I had stopped hoping. That's how I felt, I remember it well, I wanted him back, expected him to suddenly change his mind, to say he had made a mistake, yet somewhere deep inside I knew that wasn't what I really wanted or needed. So for the first time in my life I cut all ties and went into radio silence. Just after he told me why he had no responsibilities in regards to the flat we shared and towards my economic situation. That was the last straw, he had to be banned from my mind and my heart! And moving to another place, without memories around every corner, was the best decision of the year. It saved me, I am sure of it.
Particularly when I met someone else, someone so far removed from what had been before. I saw him one of the first days I was back in the village, in the cafe where we always have our coffee. I knew instantly that he would be the one that could mend me, the rebound. It was the perfect deal, for a while, we would have fun and that would be it. However six months later when he returned to the land of Gods, I was heartbroken again. Yet this time it was worse. There was no reason, at least not for me, other than distance for it to end. It was a natural case of circumstances that were not right for it to continue across a continent. The hopelessness of it is what brought me most pain, the fact that nothing was wrong, but we knew that was the end of our 'affair'. Unfortunately I cannot say wholeheartedly that I am completely recovered, that I do not think of him still, but I know we will never again be anything more than friends.
The summer was a particularly hard time, grey and wet as it often is on the Island, and one who is close to me was so lost in darkness that a search party almost couldn't rescue the person. A suicide attempt abruptly woke us all up, even the loved one. I cannot say how thankful I am to certain people for being alarmed enough to break down doors to secure another person's life. I am also thankful to the loved one for realising in time ,and afterwards, how much one wanted to live. I love you! I could not have lived without you.
2008 was the year I moved country again, and moved house three times. The year I lived with three different people. The year I had two heartbreaks, yet returned to my thesis with vigour that had been missing since I left the UK about three years ago. I have found my passion for art again, for which I am very grateful., as well as my English. The year saw friends reunited and friends say goodbye, and I have never before, as far back as I can remember, missed so many people who have left my path to follow their own. Many have of course disappointed me throughout the year, but most of all I have found 'new' friends that I think will be part of my life for a very long time, even though they might be across an ocean or a continent.
Thank you all and I hope 2009 will be good year in all ways possible for you.
And for me, well, I hope this year will be a quite one so that I can finally say that I am a Dr.
As mentioned January 08 was not the best month of the year to me. A rotten start to be honest. My partner and love left me, moved out of our flat and left the country - all in the space of one week, the week before my birthday. So there I was, on my own, with a flat that I couldn't afford to keep and only a student loan to keep me from starving to death. After escaping irrationally to see my best friend in Amsterdam an email arrived across the North Sea calling me back to the village in Scotland for work - perfect timing I guess. So I put my flat on the market in a rush and packed up all my stuff and off I went. Back to the village, back to the academic environment and back to my thesis. By the end of February I had settled in and made the decision NOT to speak to the boy until I had stopped hoping. That's how I felt, I remember it well, I wanted him back, expected him to suddenly change his mind, to say he had made a mistake, yet somewhere deep inside I knew that wasn't what I really wanted or needed. So for the first time in my life I cut all ties and went into radio silence. Just after he told me why he had no responsibilities in regards to the flat we shared and towards my economic situation. That was the last straw, he had to be banned from my mind and my heart! And moving to another place, without memories around every corner, was the best decision of the year. It saved me, I am sure of it.
Particularly when I met someone else, someone so far removed from what had been before. I saw him one of the first days I was back in the village, in the cafe where we always have our coffee. I knew instantly that he would be the one that could mend me, the rebound. It was the perfect deal, for a while, we would have fun and that would be it. However six months later when he returned to the land of Gods, I was heartbroken again. Yet this time it was worse. There was no reason, at least not for me, other than distance for it to end. It was a natural case of circumstances that were not right for it to continue across a continent. The hopelessness of it is what brought me most pain, the fact that nothing was wrong, but we knew that was the end of our 'affair'. Unfortunately I cannot say wholeheartedly that I am completely recovered, that I do not think of him still, but I know we will never again be anything more than friends.
The summer was a particularly hard time, grey and wet as it often is on the Island, and one who is close to me was so lost in darkness that a search party almost couldn't rescue the person. A suicide attempt abruptly woke us all up, even the loved one. I cannot say how thankful I am to certain people for being alarmed enough to break down doors to secure another person's life. I am also thankful to the loved one for realising in time ,and afterwards, how much one wanted to live. I love you! I could not have lived without you.
2008 was the year I moved country again, and moved house three times. The year I lived with three different people. The year I had two heartbreaks, yet returned to my thesis with vigour that had been missing since I left the UK about three years ago. I have found my passion for art again, for which I am very grateful., as well as my English. The year saw friends reunited and friends say goodbye, and I have never before, as far back as I can remember, missed so many people who have left my path to follow their own. Many have of course disappointed me throughout the year, but most of all I have found 'new' friends that I think will be part of my life for a very long time, even though they might be across an ocean or a continent.
Thank you all and I hope 2009 will be good year in all ways possible for you.
And for me, well, I hope this year will be a quite one so that I can finally say that I am a Dr.
4 comments:
I'll drink to that!
p.s. I see u got some of the drama from ur visit to the Land of Gods* - "starving to death?" I liked that :)))
*how many puns are there in this phrase?
I've drunk enough over the past days, but I'll raise my coffee cup!
Drama has become my middle name, but puns are lost on me ;)
Thank you for the year too, it has been a rocky one but you got through it. Your loyalty, charm and defiant spirit is what makes us love you.
Any regrets?
Bring on 2009
No regrets at all really, what had to be done happened to make me who I am today - sometimes I had wished it would have been gentler though.
And here here, 2009 will kick ass! I am sure of it.
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