today's mood

Sometimes it gets very tiring to be angry and disappointed all the time. I am still angry at you. Yet I still care for you and wonder how you are doing. What you are doing. I look at your picture, I search through it for answers. Why did you do what you did? How could you walk away so easily? I look at your smile and remember days of much joy and happiness - thinking on autopilot 'I must talk to him, see how he is.' But I don't, I can't. Is it my pride that is stopping me? Am I a afraid of what I will hear, probably. I find it all much better not knowing about you - having you fresh in my mind as you were when you left. The anger over that just grows at the same time. Will it ever go away? I feel betrayed by your choices, by our dreams, by my own stupidity. Now people suffer because of our choices. It makes me wonder if I can ever feel safe to do something like that ever again, give someone a chance to get that close to me again. I really hope so, I hope I will heal with time. That I have time. I am not getting any younger, as one might say. You were my hope of a child or two. You were already a father in my mind, although, I would say 'no, let's wait', I could see your face in a young baby looking up at me from my bosom. The future crumbled around me when you left, and I still cannot look for a new one. I have to admit I am feeling a little lost these days, and one part wants to blame you, the other knows that truth is I have only myself to blame for that. I am getting more and more nervous about my post-'beast' life. Job search when I don't know what I want to do? What I am looking for? What my career should be or ougth to be? I try to focus on my thesis only right now, not be distracted. I think I will manage it on time, at least before the summer 2009. At least that is my goal at the moment, but productivity is coming in waves at the moment. Day by day I feel less knowledgable though, feel I am not ready to say anything with my tiny academic voice, my thin thread can easily snap. Will I be judged unintelligent in front of all my peers when my ideas come out. Does anything of this make sense at all, will anyone find my research interesting enough to think I have anything to contribute - have I contributed enough to find a good job afterwards? Who knows really - I struggle to focus on this scary dark thought. You are dark in my mind too, you all hold hands while I suffer silently. Smoking Gauloises at the moment - they're actually not bad. Especially tasty with coffee, but laws in this country prohibits the enjoyment by casting smokers out in the rain and cold with their coffee and cigarette. Soon very soon I will be in a country where one can smoke wherever one wants - coffee and cigarettes here I come. Hopefully the autumn rain won't have set in just yet, a little warmth and sun is all I need to be a good working woman when I return once again. Drinking too much lately and exercise is down on an all time low, so much for hoping I would look absolutely stunning on my holiday - although I've probably lost some weight in the past months not eating much...