mother?

I wonder if I will be a good mother, you know in the case I would ever have a baby, a child, a kid, boy or girl - will I be a good mother? What exactly is a good mother? Caring, loving, protective, unselfish - all qualities I think would be associated with motherhood. I guess I have some of those traits, but will that help me be a potential mother? I do not have any plans to get pregnant just yet, but what if it suddenly and unexpectedly happened would I be able to handle someone, a little person, being utterly dependant on me solely.

I just don't know. I am afraid somehow, of that utterly vulnerable love and expectation. I have transformed with age. When I was a teenager all the way till I was past twenty five I didn't really consider younger versions of myself or worse still someone else. It was yucky for a long time, but I guess I don't think it's so impossible, so incredible, so unthinkable. Yet I don't know what it would take, and if I could be warm and maternal. I don't know what brought this on at all. For so long I have been happy thinking it was far off, but the closer I get to thirty the more I think about it.

The joys of being single is there, but I guess I have always been one who longed for stability, security of having someone by my side, and most of the time I have had just that. Although, never wanted children with any of them, at least not at that time. So I am essentially afraid of being alone forever. But it takes time to get to that level with someone, to have a baby together. I think my biological clock just jumped a beat. It's late and I should probably get some sleep instead of writing about motherhood. It will all make sense in the morning.