The long awaited letter arrived yesterday, and what an anti-climax it was. You wait for a month (wrong address first try) for a letter replying to a letter you sent, which you felt laid your soul and heart bare, then the first paragraph states something along the lines of, "when I read your letter it didn't tell me anything I wasn't already 'afraid' of." So I didn't say anything new ha? Well I guess that means you know me, better than I thought, which is good I guess if it wasn't for the fact that you have exited my life. Phone calls, chat and emails, even letters, won't change the fact that we are too far from each other now. In all that you wrote you didn't answer the one question I wanted answered, if she is back in your life now that you are there 'full-time'. I suppose I didn't actually ask it outright, but if you know me as well as you think you do you should have known that was the one thing I needed to know.
Every line of the letter was so familiar and I have to admit it didn't say anything new to me either , but it was a nice gesture, for me a sign of love. Not the kind of love between lovers though, it was again put quite clear to me that it is not what is wanted of me, the love between friends is what we have now. It is true that it is hard to move away from that passion into a cooled down version, i.e. friendship, and I still won't know until I see him if I have been able to distance myself. I struggle to agree with the letter's author though on one particular point, which also has been spoken to me of which I think I have written before, the fact that in the long run we would not make it. This is something I have been unable to do all my life, see what would happen if one goes down one road and not another. I am not saying I would want a long distance relationship, not again, but I can not predict what would happen if we gave it a shot. He seems to be convinced though, maybe because he cannot be honest and frank with me or he just believes that eventually I would kill him. Very unlikely considering I never killed any of my previous partners, particularly not the one that left me in economic disarray. The one that changed me, well I guess I changed me to accommodate him, to stop the fighting and please him, try to make him happy.
Certainly I don't want to do that again, but I don't know that we would make each other unhappy in the end - I think this is part of his never ending negativity. The eventual destruction and ending of any story any fling any love. At his age I was entrenched with this viewpoint too, now that I am a bit older and wiser I see good in any encounter, either it will teach me something about myself or it will teach someone else, and I live now, neither in the future or in the past. Maybe it is just another kinder way of saying I am not in love with you, I will not hang my hopes, my future, my life on something so uncertain. Making a conscious decision not to take the chance. I wish I could do that.
I have spent the past two months after his return to the motherland trying to make a conscious decision not to feel anything, to kill all emotions that had started growing inside me, I think it is clear I was not successful. I do, as he makes clear too, want to be friends if I cannot have romance, yet I don't know if I can ever stop longing or wondering what might have been. I will see him soon though, and that will hopefully clear everything up in my head, in my heart. Meanwhile I am trying my best to work, meet new people, have fun. Looking for someone to put out my fire like he did.
Every line of the letter was so familiar and I have to admit it didn't say anything new to me either , but it was a nice gesture, for me a sign of love. Not the kind of love between lovers though, it was again put quite clear to me that it is not what is wanted of me, the love between friends is what we have now. It is true that it is hard to move away from that passion into a cooled down version, i.e. friendship, and I still won't know until I see him if I have been able to distance myself. I struggle to agree with the letter's author though on one particular point, which also has been spoken to me of which I think I have written before, the fact that in the long run we would not make it. This is something I have been unable to do all my life, see what would happen if one goes down one road and not another. I am not saying I would want a long distance relationship, not again, but I can not predict what would happen if we gave it a shot. He seems to be convinced though, maybe because he cannot be honest and frank with me or he just believes that eventually I would kill him. Very unlikely considering I never killed any of my previous partners, particularly not the one that left me in economic disarray. The one that changed me, well I guess I changed me to accommodate him, to stop the fighting and please him, try to make him happy.
Certainly I don't want to do that again, but I don't know that we would make each other unhappy in the end - I think this is part of his never ending negativity. The eventual destruction and ending of any story any fling any love. At his age I was entrenched with this viewpoint too, now that I am a bit older and wiser I see good in any encounter, either it will teach me something about myself or it will teach someone else, and I live now, neither in the future or in the past. Maybe it is just another kinder way of saying I am not in love with you, I will not hang my hopes, my future, my life on something so uncertain. Making a conscious decision not to take the chance. I wish I could do that.
I have spent the past two months after his return to the motherland trying to make a conscious decision not to feel anything, to kill all emotions that had started growing inside me, I think it is clear I was not successful. I do, as he makes clear too, want to be friends if I cannot have romance, yet I don't know if I can ever stop longing or wondering what might have been. I will see him soon though, and that will hopefully clear everything up in my head, in my heart. Meanwhile I am trying my best to work, meet new people, have fun. Looking for someone to put out my fire like he did.
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