Why is it when we know we might have done something that might have hurt someone, although we ourselves don't see anything wrong with what has been done, that we decide automatically to make irrational choices? I am worse than most when pushed up into a corner, a corner where I have to face my own insecurities and irrationalities. I feel I have no choice but to please the other half, say lie about something completely innocent, so that I won't have to explain myself, tell them why I am the way I am. So I try to hide behind something, even though, I know it will all be discovered as soon as I've said the opposite. Sometimes I surprise myself with my self-destructive powers. I am ashamed of myself, why did I do it? Why did I say it? What am I afraid of? Is it that I have to show my real face, show a side of me that I try to hide, or is it that I am just lazy, that I let others take control and when it comes down to following all their orders I just can't? I thought I was a strong woman, but I guess I ain't. I fall into my own trap over and over, convincing myself that I am doing nothing wrong, convincing myself that I am right to follow other people's advice rather than following my own gut feeling. I need to straighten things out with myself, maybe be friends with myself even, look from outwith perhaps...