I know its been a while, but so many things have happened lately. The most recent being Lynn, my flatmate for the past five months and best friend for four years, leaving Scotland behind for the first time in her life to occupy England more specifically Exeter to start a 'new' life with her Danish viking and a real job of course, but that's a minor detail if you ask me. The ex-husband has moved in in her place, so all is good on that front...only time will tell if he feels the same way. I hope so.

Found a piece of myself yesterday in a coffee shop, I faced some truths about who I am. The crush asked me a crucial question, 'Have you ever been happy?' It sparked off a chain of thought that I have been trying to avoid, have I felt happiness, can I ever be happy, when am I happy? He felt that one can only be happy when with another person beside you, sharing the experience of life. I don't know if I believe that point of view. I see happiness and sadness in both another person and yourself, however, both essentially depends on you and your state of mind. I don't think I've ever let myself be happy, fully happy, in a relationship. Maybe my guard is always up, even though, I don't hold anything back, I see myself as an honest and open person. I don't believe in secrets. You can be unhappy with someone too, if you are far apart for example. What I didn't want to face was if I am happy right now or not - in a sort of way I am, but I know its short lived, it is going to end. I guess I am afraid I have let it go too far, become too safe and secure.