The beast was handed in over a week ago now, and I still haven't quite settled down yet after the massive haul to finish it semi-on time! Nothing like a little pressure to make you sleep uneasily between 4-6 hours every night just to be able to stay in the office working for between 12-14 hours every day. Maybe that's why I haven't written anything here, writing just seems like a drag right now. But this is a start, a return to form, as I snail my way towards a better future with the defence crawling up on me day by day. I have done absolutely nothing since I finished the beast, well except for teaching the oldies about modern art..but I don't really count that cause it is not hard and mostly fun fun fun!
There is definitely a post-beast depression going - a what the hell do I do now kinda depression; a where do I start; where do I go; what do I want to do kinda depression. I am lost in a limbo state, in which I have no idea what to do or what to start doing or who to turn to. I Know I have things waiting for me, I know I should keep going with work...but I just don't have the impetus to do anything other than sleep, drink and eat. I am still full of nervous energy and semi stress. I often have to remind myself to try not to be stressed about the viva (defence), not to think about it too much right now. To deal with it when the time arrives, but I am telling you - it is really hard!
I thought about going away, I was supposed to go straight on holiday to Ireland for a few days, but the volcano put an end to that plan (hope RyanAir is gonna refund me the ticket money!), which to be honest was just fine as I had absolutely no energy for the whole aftermath weekend. I am clearly, one week on, much more rested and relaxed but also extremely bored. There is nothing to do in this town, especially when the weather is crap! And of course no one has any time off other than me...so I watch stupid series and try to figure out what I should do with my life. I cannot even decide if I should stay here to at least have some sort of income after the summer, but then there's the trip to Japan for about a month! How would that suit any employer? It wouldn't really...so I am lost, and my brain has turned into mush. I have ideas for the future, but I also have worries about the future. Especially that one and only exam - the one that will either make everything I've done over the past 5 years worth it, or make my world crash down and fall to pieces - Scary isn't it?
I have ideas for what I want to do in an ideal world, where everything was possible. I have big and small ideas. I have to write articles now I guess - I have to be academic and prove myself an active member of the research community - BLAH! Makes me sick to have to think about the fact that I haven't done all the things I wanted to by this time. I didn't manage to finish my thesis before I turned 30, I didn't manage to have loads of articles out...didn't manage to put together a thesis I thought was a winner...anyway. The end I guess is another way of seeing a brand new beginning - so here I am at least not insane and the future is wide open!
There is definitely a post-beast depression going - a what the hell do I do now kinda depression; a where do I start; where do I go; what do I want to do kinda depression. I am lost in a limbo state, in which I have no idea what to do or what to start doing or who to turn to. I Know I have things waiting for me, I know I should keep going with work...but I just don't have the impetus to do anything other than sleep, drink and eat. I am still full of nervous energy and semi stress. I often have to remind myself to try not to be stressed about the viva (defence), not to think about it too much right now. To deal with it when the time arrives, but I am telling you - it is really hard!
I thought about going away, I was supposed to go straight on holiday to Ireland for a few days, but the volcano put an end to that plan (hope RyanAir is gonna refund me the ticket money!), which to be honest was just fine as I had absolutely no energy for the whole aftermath weekend. I am clearly, one week on, much more rested and relaxed but also extremely bored. There is nothing to do in this town, especially when the weather is crap! And of course no one has any time off other than me...so I watch stupid series and try to figure out what I should do with my life. I cannot even decide if I should stay here to at least have some sort of income after the summer, but then there's the trip to Japan for about a month! How would that suit any employer? It wouldn't really...so I am lost, and my brain has turned into mush. I have ideas for the future, but I also have worries about the future. Especially that one and only exam - the one that will either make everything I've done over the past 5 years worth it, or make my world crash down and fall to pieces - Scary isn't it?
I have ideas for what I want to do in an ideal world, where everything was possible. I have big and small ideas. I have to write articles now I guess - I have to be academic and prove myself an active member of the research community - BLAH! Makes me sick to have to think about the fact that I haven't done all the things I wanted to by this time. I didn't manage to finish my thesis before I turned 30, I didn't manage to have loads of articles out...didn't manage to put together a thesis I thought was a winner...anyway. The end I guess is another way of seeing a brand new beginning - so here I am at least not insane and the future is wide open!
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