Complications

I've been away for a while, yet again I know. But I've been doing too much for one being to do at once, and I've been ill. So I'm really sorry but my brain can only work on one or two or three issues/cases at a time.

I am confused again, I have made another tangled spider web of sexual encounters and hopeful winks that has left me with a bitter sweet sensation as well as taste in the mouth. I am scared, and as someone told me yesterday if you think its going to go wrong, and you wait for it to go wrong, it will go wrong. So I am hiding and trying my best not to be scared and confused and feel claustrophobic. Trying to focus on my work, trying to see the deadline which is coming closer and closer. I am intending to detox too, but that I will save for the end of this post. One of the all too many reasons behind my current drama (anyone who knows me will verify that I live off drama, I'm addicted) is most likely the return of THE boy to my near proximity next month. About two weeks ago he wrote me and said he will be coming to the capital in October for a work related thing, and that he is contemplating a wee stay in the village for a couple of days. At first I was happy - I'm going to see him again! Then reality struck and I didn't know what to reply, was he suggesting he'd stay with me? That would be too hard for me, and I'm guessing him too - of course that is all speculation. Was he wanting to see me personally or feeling a bit sentimental or obligated? So I've left the message unanswered for two weeks and kinda gotten on with my life. Leaving a bit of uncertainty as his employer usually works him very hard, also through the weekends, which could imply he won't make it to the village at all and I would be safe. Safe from confronting that one guy that I connected with, spent every day and night with for almost six months and who took my heart back to the South of Europe with him when he left, only to crush it (not on purpose - the self-harm was all me) when I came to visit. He is still with her, he is not coming for me, he probably is all over our brief and passionate entanglement, yet the minute I read the message I was all filled with hope. Oh how scary one's heart can be.

A week of avoiding work has led to a long and guilt filled hangover, which in turn leads me to the detox to come. I will try (emphasis on try as we live in an over pubulated village) not to consume any alcohol for a while. I need a break from socialising, from drinking, and those two things go hand in hand here in the student village. Which leads me to my claustrophobia (self-created) of having met a man, actually we met in spring, but as this village is a student town he went back home for the 'break', i.e. three months of summer. He is very sweet, and funny, and Swedish looking. I like him, but the spark is currently only induced by alcohol and not when sober. It might be the work load and the thesis on my mind that keeps me from wanting to 'deal' with the possibility of a more solid foundation than drunken nights and Scandinavian bedroom games. Although I have to admit I'll take a man over a young hunk any day, the skills between the sheets are just at a different level. I make everything more complicated than need be, all the time, but this time detox is the solution! No man interaction for a while. This is the only time in my life I've prayed for the 'curse', for the blood to flood! I have no self-control, but that's nothing new.