walking to the bottom of the pit

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now. The most prevalent one is about forgiveness, should and could I forgive. Have I been fair to you? Have I blamed you for everything all though I was also to blame. Should I therefore forgive you? Let you back in? Of course I don't know if you want to be let in, if you even care. Last night while falling asleep I realised I might have been very hurtful to you, by making public all my feelings and all my anger - right here. But it is MY space, it is my breathing room, you always knew that. The festival trip was a difficult one for me, to go back and relive so many memories. Every turn was filled with you, filled with us. For the first time since March 2008 I missed you, and I thought of how horribly wrong everything went. It was so sad, all that hope turned into something unbelievably painful. We both ruined it so terribly. For a long time I have blamed you and I guess it is time to look inwards a bit too, I do not blame you for the crash bang and disaster that was our relationship in the end. I do feel you could have handled the ending not so horribly though. Running away was cowardly, and I mean that for both of us. We both ran in each our directions. I hid behind new found 'loves' and university frenzy, I didn't deal well. I realised that when I went back to where it all began. In my usual fashion I have refrained from dealing with the love I feel, by convincing myself I was never in love with you. It is bad, really bad, and being back there made all the memories flood back into my head like a trauma. And now I am sad again, now I feel left behind and heartbroken. I am emotionally stumped, I have never been able to know how and what I feel at what times. The memory of our first conversation over a beer in the middle of the summer night is vivid in my mind, I cannot get it out. That feeling of 'wow, this guy could be perfect for me. this guy is everything I want.' Why wasn't I able to, why weren't we able to, make it work?