Foremothers give me strength

Find me space in your cave. I need to hide from the world. It is all too much for me. I need to escape this insanity which is my own thoughts. The room I have created does not exist anymore. The wind is howling through my office window. It is telling me to jump. I cannot leave this ship, not now, not ever. I am supposed to be the strong one. What happened? Thoughts of loved one passed is in my mind. I wish I could help you now, but I can't. I need help myself. The screams are not enough. Thirsty but not without water. We were and are, but how can we stop here? I miss you. I miss myself. The parts of me you held have been buried and are now slowly coming to the surface. Do you mind me asking you for help? Even though you cannot help me? I want the sun in my heart to return I want you to return, my love. How come I could just let you go? Your arms were so securing, you kisses so curing. I miss too many friends, yet I have too many here. The responsibility for all of them falls too heavy on my shoulders. Is there really no one else to take care of you? Once you have left this place you will not think of me again and I do not want you to, yet I feel sadness when giving. I wish I had given more to you my heritage, I wish I had known it was the last time we would speak. I need your spirit here now. I need your courage to be a strong woman, to be the person you and my foremothers wanted me to be. I need to know you would have been proud even if I failed. I need to know that you understood me, that I am like you. I do not know who I am right now. Thousands of voices tell me I am this person, but the uncertainty of that is within me like a big black hole. I feel so angry, so hurt, so lost. I want to cry, but I cannot. There is only anger in my smile. Frustration and sorrow has taken over my being - be gone! I do not want you here! I want to talk to my great grandmother, she must have been stronger than anyone I have ever met. I can't even remember her anymore. I should have been her, not this pathetic being that I have become. I have lost myself in this uncertainty which is my life here. Stability where can I find it. Should I leave and never return? Maybe this is the answer to everything. Just writing it makes me feel better, until the guilt strikes. Until the philosophy of finishing everything once started returns to the frontal lobe.
She would have looked at me and said nothing, but her eyes would have given me strength. Who can I turn to know, without feeling a burden? I cannot give away my sorrow, I cannot continue living in limbo. I take off my hat, my head and my heart to you. Give me a sign that the future holds something for me. Help me to see that even if I do not see it it is not important for an end to come. Help me to see it to the end, however hard it is. However much guilt I feel for not having finished it yet. Hold me like I was a baby, a grown woman and your granddaughter.