let's have a vote.

The open heart and mind is there for you. Take it! Or leave it.. What choice you give me, can I choose? 'I have a crush on you.' What can I say, I wish we had never started so abruptly and so fast. You are the most caring and gentle man I have met in a very long time, yet I do not seem to grasp the loving feeling of your embrace. The safety is overwhelming, but I do not crave it. Excitement and devilish smiles is what I want. Kisses behind a screen of pretence. A quick one the way home, behind the shed by the sea. A fling, something to clench my thirst, but nothing heavy and filled with emotion. The choice you have given me is fair enough, but I do not want to hurt you, yet I cannot truthfully say the same. I cannot give you what you want. I am a creature of loveless fantasy, lust drives me ever forward. I cannot eat and drink of you, now that I know I will only end up hurting you. You were the one that said you didn't want anything serious and now here we stand. I deeply wish I could give you what you want. I deeply wish I could unknow what I know, that I could start it all again. I do not love anyone else, I love you, my friend. I do not wish for anyone else, I have not the inkling for romance. Carefree I would walk down the road you have laid down in front of me, but I cannot without a guilty conscience. Your gently, sweet nature repels me, make me fight with myself and finally dismisses you from my options. Now my stomach is filled with butterflies from your words and your openness, yet I do not know if I will make the right choice. Can romance grow in the barren desert? I hope I will be sure when I make the choice for you, and me. You know I even have friends to consider. I should have never gone down this back street! Yet again, I have gotten entangled in this web of mine. How do I get out, where is the emergency exit? Can I jump off the train while it is still moving? How much time is fair to take, to think things through? I am confused now, I want to want you, but do I really know what I want? Scared by myself, scared by decisions taken in the past. I am never good with choices, with deciding someone's fate, with deciding my own fate. It gives me shivers, it brings me joy, yet it saddens me that I might not give you what you so obviously want. Why did you tell me? At least I told you how I work, at least you were warned. I cannot commit to it, to romance, to love. My heart is too cold for that sort of warmth. Please let me breath for a while, maybe it will change, maybe I can be free to love one of these days. I was shocked by your boldness, by your offering, heart in hand. I cannot make myself different than that, I cannot take it without questioning my own liability, without feeling I will not upset things. This could be a great chance or my greatest downfall . This, which you suggest, will hurt someone even if we are to be happy. I cannot grasp it yet, I cannot give you an answer without my mind ticking away at those sure-to-be problems. Even when I make a choice it will hurt someone, even if it is not you.