This blog has become less about the true me of late...that how I feel anyway, don't know if it's actually true. I guess the different personalities we have in differing contexts and circumstances are all part of our 'true' self, yet on these pages I try to be honest and rant as much as possible - to get it out. To not having to bother all the people around me with my personal conundrums and inner musings. The fact that more people seem to find this amusing to read, is good I guess, makes me feel less lonely, less special in a way, but at the same time it scares me. Is that wrong? Is that silly? I have noticed I take more care with what I write (yeah not always) here. An unnatural filtering process has started to appear, I feel less free in a way. The previous 'I don't give a shit' attitude has been replaced by 'should I tell everyone this' questioning. It might not seem apparent at all, it might just be in my head. There are many stories of late that have not made it to the page for that reason, for the imagined fear of what I might let out of the box if I really wrote as freely as I used to. How some of you might think, might conclude, might retract from what I write here. I guess that is one of the good/bad things about a personal diary-like blog like this. We all draw our own conclusions, own opinions from what we read. I have tried, since the ex left Norway and I returned scarred to the University village to be honest, always honest. But of late I have found it harder and harder to just let my fingers run over the keyboard and let the 'truth' out on to the page. Afraid of what might be read through the lines, put in the words I write. What my unconscious might reveal about me and my life, my feelings, my failed hopes. Who will judge me? Who will read these lines and see the true me, the part of me I was so used to hiding just a few years ago, who will understand how I think? I've noticed people who have read my blog for a while, have started thinking they know me well. I thought I would clarify this slightly, make them understand that there are entries that have been screened by my insecurities and others that have been posted without any hesitation, or filtering. There is of course only so much one can learn about a person from their words on the page, and I just felt like I had to make sure people understand I am not always clear about how I feel, think or respond on this blog. I want to be clear and refreshingly honest, but circumstances have made me reconsider my approach so far.
I have lied in the past, not here, but in real life. As I mentioned, once I returned from the failed love affair in snow-land I decided honesty is the best way to go. I met someone who believed the same, who took it as both good and bad, but mainly as refreshing. He understood that sometimes things will hurt when they are spoken with an honest tongue, but mostly it will help further a good relationship between two people. However, I have noticed a change in me, and it worries me. I am more afraid of the truth, the honesty is lacking these days. I do not lie, but I am avoiding the truth, the openness I so embraced once back in the village. I shy away from conversations I know will bring the truth to the surface. I hide behind a mask that I think, probably wrongly, will not show the world how I feel and what I think. The mask is such an old enemy really, most of my life I had it ready at any turn of difficulty. I thought it had gone, but alas it is still here in my closet, ready whenever I am not. The sarcasm is back, the bad jokes, the forced smile, the insecurities. The silly thing is that I don't know how to turn it away, to stop turning to it, have the courage to say and show whatever I want (of course within reason, I mean no point in hurting people on purpose). When asked questions, not to shy away from them, but feel open and secure enough to tell it how it is, the way it feels and echoes in my head. It is not by intent this happens, maybe it's the intellectual environment, maybe the hopeless fright of being hurt - intentionally or unintentionally. The feeling which I can't escape of being small. So I hide behind my shyness, my locked heart and mind.
I have lied in the past, not here, but in real life. As I mentioned, once I returned from the failed love affair in snow-land I decided honesty is the best way to go. I met someone who believed the same, who took it as both good and bad, but mainly as refreshing. He understood that sometimes things will hurt when they are spoken with an honest tongue, but mostly it will help further a good relationship between two people. However, I have noticed a change in me, and it worries me. I am more afraid of the truth, the honesty is lacking these days. I do not lie, but I am avoiding the truth, the openness I so embraced once back in the village. I shy away from conversations I know will bring the truth to the surface. I hide behind a mask that I think, probably wrongly, will not show the world how I feel and what I think. The mask is such an old enemy really, most of my life I had it ready at any turn of difficulty. I thought it had gone, but alas it is still here in my closet, ready whenever I am not. The sarcasm is back, the bad jokes, the forced smile, the insecurities. The silly thing is that I don't know how to turn it away, to stop turning to it, have the courage to say and show whatever I want (of course within reason, I mean no point in hurting people on purpose). When asked questions, not to shy away from them, but feel open and secure enough to tell it how it is, the way it feels and echoes in my head. It is not by intent this happens, maybe it's the intellectual environment, maybe the hopeless fright of being hurt - intentionally or unintentionally. The feeling which I can't escape of being small. So I hide behind my shyness, my locked heart and mind.
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