listen to me now for once

I want to scream at you, throw things at you. Inflict serious pain, as you have done to me. You used me, and I've finally realised it. I was blind to it before, blinded by some kind of 'love' that I thought I felt for you. Now my eyes are wide open - have felt the pain that you can inflict on me and enough is enough. I am unable to resist you, so please leave me alone! If you care as much as you say you do, then leave me alone, let me suffer this darkness alone. Do not try to cheer me up, do not try to make me feel whole. Because I need to feel emptiness before I can feel joy, I need to be angry, I need to turn away, be cold - consider my own happiness rather than yours. I am too good for you, I could make you happier than anyone else. You made a choice though, and I cannot let you have your cake and eat it too - not anymore! You want my friendship, but you cannot have it when I am not a friend. I do not feel the way a friend should, I feel more much more and you cannot ask of me to hide it. It's impossible, even if I tried I am not able to speak or react freely since my heart always seeks to please you. Bastard, such a hard word to use, but I think that's what I need to realise: you used me, I used you, unfortunately I fell in love and you didn't. For that reason I cannot inflict more pain on myself and try to accept my fate as your friend - it is not right for me to lie and tell you I am happy for you, because I am far from happy. Every time you contact me and I contact you I am in pain, knowing you never were and never will be mine. I cannot pretend I want to be your friend. I just don't, at least not now. You made me feel so small that everything that followed was wrong - I should have said stop right then! I should have thought of me rather than you, and I've realised the only reason I gave you the opportunity to hurt me over and over was because I was weak in your presence. Even now I am weaker than I was two weeks ago. You drain me of who I am even though you do not know it. I cannot let it go any further. I simply can't! My pride has been broken over and over since I first met you, I have tried to be someone that I am not any longer - I cannot be a friend to someone I love this way, someone that has hurt me many times without even knowing it. I cannot be that other woman that stays in the shadow and that is not spoken about out loud. You don't respect me, you say you do, but you don't. Maybe at times you didn't tell me the truth, maybe at times you did, maybe you wanted me to understand that I can never be anything other than 'exotic', on the side, not as important. I am sorry now, that I've obliged you with my obedience, because my soul is fractured. I let you pick at my heart with an icepick over and over. I let this happen so willingly that I feel I cannot blame you, but I know I should. I have lived in a lilac place where I believed I was special, without ever hearing you say it, without ever knowing proof of it. I have misread and analysed things out of nothing - and now I know you used me, but I let you. I can forgive myself, however, you I cannot. You play me over and over, it has to stop! I am not happy having a small piece of you, as you say you are with me. I want your heart and it is not even yours to give. So leave me alone here in my darkness, let me deal with it. Let me realise what damage you have done - and then maybe just maybe I can be your friend. Please, realise what you have done and feel lucky I can bare the thought of you - let me go because with you I can never really be free. I do not trust you to understand or to speak the truth. I feel like a lie, since what we had never existed. I know I should have realised this earlier, much earlier, but you let me believe the lie. It was easier that way - the same way it is easier now to continue the deceit. I am sure you are completely in control, as you have always been, although you have tricked me into believing you were not. I am sure this is what you wanted all along, which you have been waiting for since your departure. I give up. I will not fight any longer in vain. I embrace my defeat and retire from the battle. You have won, but you will not have my trophy. You have your own.