Time is something that passes to quickly and yet it can go too slow for even snails to be happy with. Time can make you feel happiness like you've never known it before at the same time it can take the breath out of you and rip out your heart. I think at the moment I am in between these states, I am in a limbo of ups and downs that is beginning to bring me down to a darker level than I have ever seen before. My emotions are all over the place, one day I feel so happy and content and the next I feel like I can't even get out of bed (I do though so I guess its not THAT bad). Maybe its just today, maybe its the fact that the two people in the world that expect everything yet nothing just arrived from Norway - the parents are here to look at their offspring. I feel awful for being in such a bad mood on the day of their arrival, I feel ashamed that I can't offer them anything meaningful in the way of my PhD, that I can't tell them I will finish it next months.
Two nights ago I was over at the fling's flat and we had made a controlled decision to do drinking games, yeah as British as it gets really, and let me tell you I felt it all of yesterday when I was sprinting between the toilet and the bed all day, waiting to find my guts at the bottom of the bowl any minute. I of course have no control when it comes to drinking and drank so much that I must have lost control over my insecurities and decided to be jealous at the girl that used to fancy the fling...I am such a looser sometimes...the worst thing is that the fling actually had to tell me this the day after while my brain was still recovering and had not yet found it appropriate to let me remember this small and awkward fact. I have gone over it in my head for a good 24 hours and I don't see why I would be jealous at her specifically, so I have come to the mature decision that its not her, its me! Well actually it's not so much me as it is his ex. I just redirect the jealousy to the closest female I can find. I realise this is insane, and I'm not even in love with the fling (it's called a fling for just that reason, no?). I think I might have an ownership issue, i.e. I want to be the only one, yet I don't want him to be the one. Yeah it's confusing to me too, don't worry. We both know this thing we've been having for the past months have an expire date, I feel comfortable with that, most of the time, until the ex steps into his life here and is not kept in that little place I like to call outside of the bubble. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against her, I know nothing of her or about her other than the fact that the fling will return into her arms when he returns to the land of the Gods in September, which I have to admit I am absolutely ok with. Other than fantastic sex ( and a lot of it) what exactly do we have in common? Not much, and least of all a future. Let's face it I am not getting any younger and I need to face the music soon, get a job somewhere, get a life somewhere ... find a man that can stand me for more than just a few hours a day. Back to the point,
jealousy is evil, and I don't get why I am jealous now, when I've never been before, why now? I have been puzzling over this for a while now, and I think I might have found the answers I have been seeking. It's a combination of several things: my insecurity after being left by one who I thought (foolishly so I admit) would always be there, finding out I am NOT 20 something any more, but almost 30, struggling with my thesis and the fact that I seem to have lost all faith in my own intellectual abilities, the fling's ambiguity and his so-called privacy (which I respect, but which feels more like secrecy sometimes), and finally my inability to just be happy with my perfectly good life and enjoy myself without any sort of drama.
Wow that turned out way longer than I thought it would. Maybe I shouldn't say anything more tonight. Somehow it made me feel better though, so thank you for reading and putting up with my madness. I know it's been too long, but I don't even know where to start on everything else, with the mess that seems so far from reality yet is reality. Another time perhaps.
Two nights ago I was over at the fling's flat and we had made a controlled decision to do drinking games, yeah as British as it gets really, and let me tell you I felt it all of yesterday when I was sprinting between the toilet and the bed all day, waiting to find my guts at the bottom of the bowl any minute. I of course have no control when it comes to drinking and drank so much that I must have lost control over my insecurities and decided to be jealous at the girl that used to fancy the fling...I am such a looser sometimes...the worst thing is that the fling actually had to tell me this the day after while my brain was still recovering and had not yet found it appropriate to let me remember this small and awkward fact. I have gone over it in my head for a good 24 hours and I don't see why I would be jealous at her specifically, so I have come to the mature decision that its not her, its me! Well actually it's not so much me as it is his ex. I just redirect the jealousy to the closest female I can find. I realise this is insane, and I'm not even in love with the fling (it's called a fling for just that reason, no?). I think I might have an ownership issue, i.e. I want to be the only one, yet I don't want him to be the one. Yeah it's confusing to me too, don't worry. We both know this thing we've been having for the past months have an expire date, I feel comfortable with that, most of the time, until the ex steps into his life here and is not kept in that little place I like to call outside of the bubble. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against her, I know nothing of her or about her other than the fact that the fling will return into her arms when he returns to the land of the Gods in September, which I have to admit I am absolutely ok with. Other than fantastic sex ( and a lot of it) what exactly do we have in common? Not much, and least of all a future. Let's face it I am not getting any younger and I need to face the music soon, get a job somewhere, get a life somewhere ... find a man that can stand me for more than just a few hours a day. Back to the point,
jealousy is evil, and I don't get why I am jealous now, when I've never been before, why now? I have been puzzling over this for a while now, and I think I might have found the answers I have been seeking. It's a combination of several things: my insecurity after being left by one who I thought (foolishly so I admit) would always be there, finding out I am NOT 20 something any more, but almost 30, struggling with my thesis and the fact that I seem to have lost all faith in my own intellectual abilities, the fling's ambiguity and his so-called privacy (which I respect, but which feels more like secrecy sometimes), and finally my inability to just be happy with my perfectly good life and enjoy myself without any sort of drama.Wow that turned out way longer than I thought it would. Maybe I shouldn't say anything more tonight. Somehow it made me feel better though, so thank you for reading and putting up with my madness. I know it's been too long, but I don't even know where to start on everything else, with the mess that seems so far from reality yet is reality. Another time perhaps.
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