Implosion

I need to pull myself together but I can't, apathy is high. Need to feel something, something other than distress, stress. The hurdles feel to high, 2 meter tall they stand before me. Those mental walls are too tall, too wide, too heavy to lift, too immobile to move. It is all in my head, or is it my heart? My heart's not in it. Don't want to leave behind the safety of uncertainty. Yet I am stippled with claustrophobia, with neighbourly love and annoyance, with familiar people and places. The only way out is through slaughter and battles. Have to stop to breath in the sense I've lost since the village took me in and made me visible to everyone, to you, to them. I can see the despair in all the eyes around me, looking for a reason to search and disperse. Every second day life is afresh and new, every second day life is meaningless and black. Feel too small to write or read, feel too stupid to take it all in. Next to you I am pretty still, I let you speak before I open my mouth, careful words shaped like my lips, straight. I don't hide much, just my soul.

Future?

I wonder what the future has to tell me about my life, I read the horoscopes whenever I have a chance. Sometimes its useful and sometimes its not, but it still amuses me. Why are we all so fascinated by the future? Me for one would like to live in the 'now' but clearly like most people worry way too much about the future. And when I say most people I mean people in my situation. No permanent job, no sure view of a permanent job in the nearest present, working toward one goal at a time, at present that is finishing this beast of a project and getting back into the real world, no life partner (the ex is no exception to this, as we were never going to stay together forever and we both understood that), no real hobbies other than spending time with friends, no real interests other than completing most of above mentioned points and no idea what I want to do with that supposedly promising future ahead of me. Still I keep smiling and keep going, although inside me the flame is far from burning strong. How do I regain that passion and strength I once had? I am trying, I am. I am trying to live more in the present, treat people the way I would like them to treat me, but I always fail miserably. My life always becomes a drama ... at some point or another, at least my relationships with other people. Sometimes I fail them, sometimes they fail me, but mostly its me. My moods, my arrogance, my behaviour, my unwillingness to stop drinking alcohol when I really should have two-three hours ago. Well, what can you do? as the husband would say. So I live my life on a balance between drama and utter boredom. Maybe that's what's wrong, I see the world as either a high pace drama-filled adventure or a tranquillity that ends in mass suicides.

The End

I've broken a man, made him cry. His heart in his hands he begged me not to crush it, but I did. I couldn't help it, it had to end. I couldn't keep lying to either of us. The feelings I once had are totally gone, erased by demands and hurtful, spiteful arguments about how I am, why I am the way I am. Now I am heavy with grief for him, for his smashed heart that I have been the first to keep, and therefore the first to crush. I am sorry, I really am. However, it could not continue. 'It was about time,' most of my friends have told me. I know they are right, it still doesn't feel good to know you have brought a man to his knees, suddenly and without warning. He was oblivious - I guess love really does make one blind.

Detox day 7

So I've made it through a whole week of no coffee, sugar (except for fructose that is), meat and all that other bad stuff I was meant to not eat or drink. For the first 4 days I had a raving headache and was constantly hungry. Monday was really bad for everyone around me, I was so grumpy and irritated and tired and just plain no good company at all, topped up by the fact that by Monday evening I felt physically sick too. The way I have reacted to not drinking coffee is terrifying really. But of course going cold turkey isn't the best way to go maybe. It has been a roller-coaster, but I've made it to the other side without going too much off the hard line, I had salted popcorn at the cinema last night and I've consumed one ready-made humus over the course of the week. However, no coffee and no candy/chocolate (even though the flatmate has been consuming plenty just before my eyes every bloody night).
Today will be the last day and when I weighed myself on Friday I had lost a whole 2 kilos! Not that I need to loose weight, according to my newest 'toy', the wii console, I am at an ideal BMI already. The exercising is going to plan as well, four times this week isn't bad, right? Hopefully I will live the healthier lifestyle, that I've been longing for all of 2010, in 2011. Will have a drink tonight to celebrate ; )

Detoxification

So for the first time in my life I'll be detoxing, oh the joy. Not. Will I make it, I'm not sure, but how hard can a week without coffee, milk, cheese, bread, meat (that one's not so hard actually), sugar (this is the really hard one), anything processed, be? Probably a lot harder than one might think. My day usually starts with a glass of juice, sugary cereal with milk and a coffee. So no more of that morning ritual..Then lunch usually consists of a coffee with a sandwich of some sorts alongside which a glass of cold water. No more of that at least for a week. Dinner is whatever the exhusband and I come up with, so actually this will be the easiest meal of the day, or so I hope. Maybe I'll have to stick to one meal a day, that will be unbearable for the poor people around me, so I guess I'll just eat a lot of fruit, and subsequently not see anyone as I'll be stuck in the bathroom the whole week.
It is a challenge but as I said, how hard can it be? The only thing I won't do, is stop smoking. That would just be too much for me to handle (and again the poor people around me). There's only so much detoxing a girl can take in one go. This last week I have also been to the gym (four times to be exact, no not ambitious at all..) with the Swede. I have set a goal for him, which inadvertently means a even bigger goal for myself. The Swede was recently abandoned by his partner, and as we all know when in a relationship one gains a lot of weight (unless its a healthy sexual relationship where calories are burnt off in a more enjoyable way, as the exhusband would say, the only exercise he partakes in). As I am also currently in a long-distance relationship myself I need some other way to loose those relationship kilos. I wonder why it is actually so easy to put on some kilos when in a relationship. Probably the lack of going out and dancing, which we all know is the female of our species way of attracting the opposite sex for mating rituals to take place. The male on the other hand attempts, and mostly fails, to dance along with those swinging hips. Furthermore, one has more time on one's hands and therefore visits to the gym are inevitable, at least for someone like myself who's psyche depends on it. The new healthier lifestyle of 2011 has begun for real, she writes while drinking her third coffee in a row and a lit cigarette in her hand.